I’m moving back to the Bay Area on Thursday. My mom asked me why I was leaving home so soon. It’s true that I just got back from Cambodia on Saturday (so not even a full week yet), but I’m really itching to go back up north. I don’t really understand why I’m so excited. My plan is to go up there, find a job, and start the process of applying to grad school. In two weeks I’ll probably be super frustrated and crying my eyes out. There’s just nothing for me in this small town. All of my friends have moved on to bigger and better things in other cities/states. My mom (the most important person to me in the world) is here, but I know if I stayed longer I would go crazy. There’s a reason I chose Berkeley after all!

So next week I’ll move in with my aunt, her husband, and two sons. It’ll be nice being around little kids again. I’ve really been missing Ah Boy and Ah Bee even though they drove me nuts most of the time. My aunt is also an avid runner so I’m looking forward to running with her again. There’s also a really beautiful park/lake across the street as well as a library so if the job hunt turns sour- at least I can keep myself busy. It’ll be nice to reunite with my friends from Berkeley and Oakland too.

So for the next couple of days I’ll be a lazy bum, watch a ton of movies, and EAT. :)

I just got back home from LA. While I was there I ran into a friend from Berkeley who’s now going to law school at UCLA. Even though I haven’t seen him in a few years, it was nice catching up. I realize now that he’s the only non-family member that I’ve talked to since I’ve been back. Weird how things happen some times! Anyway, we had lunch near campus and he told me about his post-Cal years and gave me some tips about grad school. He even offered to get me in contact with current and former MSW (Master of Social Work) students who’ll hopefully help guide me through the next few months.

I also met up with another friend who’s visiting from out of state. He’s also in grad school. Talking to friends who actually have their act together makes me kind of wish I had something lined up too. I’ve never been a “planner”,  but since going to Cambodia I now have a clearer picture of where I’d like to be in the next year or two. My last week in Cambodia I met with Lucie Eches, the Advisor/HR person/Volunteer Coordinator at Mith Samlanh. I talked to her for about an hour about my interests and about volunteering next year. She asked me about my background and work/volunteer experience. Thankfully she thought my work with “at-risk” youth and education would make me an asset to the organization and asked that I contact her again when I was ready to start. Mith Samlanh requires a minimum commitment of 3 months. I’m thinking a full year so I can make more of an impact and of course, stay in Cambodia longer.

SO even though I’m not a planner, my plan is to get a job and apply for grad school in the coming months. When June comes around, I want to go back to Cambodia and study Khmer language with the ASK program. In August, when the program ends, I’ll start my year of volunteering. What about grad school, you ask? Well, IF I get accepted next year I hope that the school offers a one-year deferment so I can enroll when I get back from Cambodia. Does this sound like wishful thinking and totally crazy? Yes. Do I think I can do it? I think so. Scratch that. I KNOW so! *takes a deep breath*

We put 41 candles on my mom’s birthday cake and the top got covered in wax :P

It’s very strange writing that since for the last 2 and 1/2 months I called my uncle’s house in Cambodia home. I guess home is wherever your heart is (however cliché) and part of my heart is always with my mother and younger brother.

I got into LAX around 2:20pm on Saturday. Michael picked me up from the airport. I felt bad that he had to wait 2 hours for me to get through Customs, but he didn’t seem to mind. How mature he’s getting! Arriving in LA, and LAX specifically, was the trippiest experience ever. I’ll forever think of LAX as its own mini-city, but after spending so much time in Cambodia it seemed even more chaotic than I remembered. The people, the technology, the fast-food, the sounds- all overwhelmed my senses to the point that I was actually in awe. The U.S. seems light-years ahead of Cambodia in so many ways. On the drive to my aunt’s house near Pasadena I kept on commenting on the trash-free, perfectly manicured streets and the intricacy of the highway system. My trip abroad has helped me appreciate things that I once took for granted (another cliché, but VERY true!)

I was really exhausted when we reached my aunt’s house. I didn’t sleep a wink on the 16+ hour flight (instead, I watched 6 movies and a documentary on Lady Gaga) and it finally caught up with me. I felt bad because I wasn’t exactly happy to be back and it showed. Luckily no one really asked me about my trip. I’ve realized that no one in my family besides my brother really talks to me. My aunt and her boyfriend’s parents asked me general questions about my trip which I was a little disappointed by. I didn’t get to express just how much I enjoyed my time in Cambodia and what an impact it had on me. I’m sure those conversations will happen eventually, but for now I think my primary outlet for expressing my thoughts and feelings will be this blog.

So yes, I think I’ll continue writing even though my life certainly won’t be as interesting. For now I have to work on adjusting back to life in the U.S.- the food, the weather, the proximity to loved ones, the responsibilities, etc. It’s a given that my tan will be gone in a few weeks and I’ll probably gain several pounds from all the carbs and sweets I’m eating. Yesterday I got reacquainted with potato salad, chips, ice-cream, and cake! :/

I’ll constantly be reminiscing of Cambodia and my family and friends there. Right now I miss them and I know with time it’ll only get worse. I cried on the plane ride while looking at a photo I took with my family at the airport. Everyone came to send me off; Hea Thom took the morning off of work, Ah Bee who had just sprained his arm was surprisingly sweet. I gave each person one of my awkward hugs and felt calm when saying good-bye. I think part of it was because I know it’s not really GOOD-BYE good-bye and I’ll be back in Cambodia very soon (possibly next year- for a whole year, but more on this later). Even though I have a poor track record of keeping in touch with family and friends, I cherish the connections I made in Cambodia far too much to let them go. I wasn’t lying when I said Cambodia has stolen my heart.

So right now I’m at home with my mom and younger brother. I’ll probably be here for a week or so relaxing before I start thinking about more important things, e.g. my future, and moving back to the Bay Area. My mom’s birthday is on Tuesday and my brother got her a toothbrush. Yes- that’s the kind of stuff that happens when I’m gone! My mom’s going to give me a haircut later today. She’s thinking shaggy bob- whatever that means. It’s 2:41am. I think I’m experiencing a little jet lag. I guess my first priority should be to work on fixing that. Goodnight!             

The whole gang

To remember Cambodia by :)

I am a Liberal, written 5.8.11

My country just signed into law a new debt ceiling

My “representatives” decided to cut government spending

All the while my insides are burning

Because I keep thinking of all those who will suffer

As the poorest, most hard-working Americans become the buffer

So that corrupt corporations and big CEO’s can keep their inflated paychecks

While “white trash” and “people of color” are breaking their necks

Trying to earn a living- striving for that American dream

It really is just a dream considering the harsh reality so many are facing

Working so hard, but not enough to alleviate the sting

Of poverty, of working two jobs, of raising kids to do right

When all odds are against them to try to win this fight

I know first hand the struggles of being “poor”

Sleeping on the floor, always asking for more:

Food, clothes, vacations, whatever

But times are tough when you’re not too clever

Or when your school system sucks

Filled with teachers only concerned with earning a buck

Over-crowded classrooms, books with pages torn out

Worn out like the bodies of double-shifting parents

Like my mother who used to lament

Over having to use food stamps stamped with the Liberty Bell

To her dismay- poverty is more like a prison cell

But no one seems to care when government welfare programs are cut

As long as no one steps on the toes of those “net-worth” nuts

We live in a country with the highest rate of relative inequality

The gap between rich and poor is a tragedy

The right says the poor are mooching off their generosity

But how is it mooching when all I can see

Are poor people working dead-end jobs

Where minimum wage isn’t enough to keep their fridges stocked

When people have to eat ramen instead of organic fluff

No wonder our children are obese and can’t get up

To go play outside like children are supposed to do

So many resort to gang-banging or selling that illegal stuff

It’s becoming too much and yet we blame them for who they are

We don’t stop to think of what we do to scar

Their happiness, their potential because “nurture” plays a huge part

In shaping who a person is from the start

And yet those white men up on Capital Hill

Are busy signing bills without concern for whose dreams they kill

I am not a racist, but I don’t think they realize

Their privilege- that they go to sleep at night

Having sweeter dreams than so many individuals

Yes, I lean to the left- I am a liberal

But my liberal ideas are meant to give power to the people

Liberty my @$$!

I was surprised at some of the responses I received to my last posting (i.e., about my recent lack of motivation, isolation, and home-sickness). Last night my friends and family members in Cambodia asked me, “What’s wrong?” and subsequently offered to take me out for a moto ride around town to cheer me up. I found it odd that my cousins could deduce that something was “off” just from the first few sentences of my blog on facebook. I was also [pleasantly] surprised and thankful to receive a message from my good friend, JM, whose back in the States. The beauty of technology is that even though he’s over 8,000 miles away- his words were just as comforting and thought-provoking as if we were chatting together over our usual Vietnamese iced coffee!

**I want to quickly share the first sentence of JM’s message which made me laugh. I hope he doesn’t mind!

“Hey Jules, I can see right now you’re having some difficulty with your current life situation.” LOL! ** 

JM’s message was filled with good advice and suggestions, but what really stood out was his explanation for why I’m currently feeling the way I am. In his words: culture shock. If you’re like me- you may be thinking “Culture shock? Isn’t that something that happens at the beginning of a trip?!” I’ve been in Cambodia for a total of 58 days- nearly two months. I always believed culture shock was something you experienced when you first step foot in a new country and your senses are overloaded with unfamiliar sights, sounds, feelings, and smells. After reading an article on The 4 Stages of Culture Shock, I realized that it describes my current situation/mood pretty accurately. Thanks J! You da BEST! :D

The 4 stages of culture shock (btw, there has to be a better phrase to describe this process) are: wonder, frustration, depression, and acceptance. It’s important to mention that these stages don’t occur linearly and can in fact be interspersed- as in my case.

Wonder - It’s that happy phase where everything is new and exciting. If you’ve read my earliest blog posts, you know how much I’ve enjoyed my time in Cambodia. Even days that were uneventful (borderline mundane) have put a smile on my face. I’ve raved about how incredible this experience has been, e.g., the food, the sights, etc.- made even better when spent with my incredible family.

Frustration - This feeling comes and goes. Frustrating situations have arisen when people question my ethnicity and challenge my “claim” (not the right word) to this country. Sure, I may be light-skinned and some of my ancestors came from Guangdong Province, but sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs: “I’M CAMBODIAN DAMMIT!!!” Ethnicity and culture are so complex and I AM proud of my mixed heritage, but sometimes I just want to “fit in” like everyone else. 

Depression - I don’t think I’m depressed. Depression also has so many negative connotations that even writing about myself and IT in the same sentence is harrowing. No wonder “mental health” is such a touchy subject! I’ll admit that I feel sad (yes, I used a euphemism there) when I’m stuck at home while everyone else is at school/work. I’ve touched upon this a couple of times in my blog, but maybe now it’s coming to a head. Growing up with a single parent, you learn how to be independent. Ever since I was 7 I’ve had to look out for myself and my younger brother because our mom was usually out earning us a living. I love you, Momma! I got my driver’s license the week I turned 16 and have been exploring ever since. Being at home with nothing to do has its perks, but I prefer being outside. Living.

Acceptance - Obviously I haven’t reached this phase yet. I have 23 days left to find this elusive double rainbow. Writing all of this down seems like a step in the right direction. I think in my attempt to “live like a local” I’ve lost sight of who I am in all of this. I am a human being that cannot (and should not) be defined by categories and stereotypes. My knowledge of Cambodia and its language and culture may not be as comprehensive as I’d like, but I have a whole lifetime of learning ahead of me. The people who love and accept me for who I am are the ones that matter. Life in ANY country has its ups and downs and I need to do my best to remember this.

Whew! I am so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life. Thanks to everyone that’s provided me love on this journey. You know who you are. JM, I’ll see you soon!

And in my case- it’s often rain, more rain, and trash.

It seems like a while since I last sat down and wrote something. My thoughts may seem a bit scattered, but it’s only because so many things have been ruminating in my head the past week. I’ve been feeling less motivated, isolated, and home-sick lately. This is not going to be my usual “happy” post.

Motivation - I last wrote about my meeting with a board member from Mith Samlanh, an NGO based in Phnom Penh that works with street children. I planned on emailing the director of the organization to get a head-start on volunteering next year, but I have yet to do so. You may be wondering why since I was so enthusiastic about it. It’s because the day following my meeting, I began questioning the role of NGOs and the motives of those employed by them. Then I started to wonder whether it was something I wanted to get involved with.

After finishing off that bag of Doritos last Wednesday, I headed to the gym where I met AS, a master’s student at MIT who’s currently in Cambodia interning at IDE Cambodia. She’s an engineer helping design toilets and water filters to improve sanitation in the countryside. It was really nice meeting a fellow American whom I could have a decent conversation with (because my conversational Khmer is still elementary). The bulk of our conversation covered her adjustment to Cambodia and gave insight into the lives of her co-workers at IDE. To keep a long story short, she hasn’t had to adjust to Cambodia. AS explained the life of an expat NGO worker and revealed the existence of a distinct subculture that I wasn’t aware of. This subculture consists of individuals from America, Canada, Europe, Australia, etc. who come to Cambodia to work (for the UN, NGOs, or other companies) and hang out at “expat bars”, take local Cambodian husbands/wives, and DON’T learn Khmer. I know that this description doesn’t fit every foreigner that comes to work in Cambodia, but it seems to be the case at IDE.

Once I heard this, I was appalled. APPALLED! The fact that a foreigner can come to Cambodia not knowing a lip of Khmer didn’t surprise me. After traveling to Vietnam I realized that Cambodia’s tourism culture is a lot more accommodating towards English speakers. However, I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that a foreigner can come to Cambodia, work here for a year or more (earning more than the average Cambodian, might I add), take a Cambodian spouse, and NOT try vigorously to learn the language. I’m not going to go into a huge spiel about all the reasons why this bothers me, but it does seem a tad imperialistic doesn’t it?! I’m AS’ first “Cambodian” friend. HA! After a month in Cambodia- I think it’s a bit sad. She thought that stir-fried noodles is a Cambodian dish. Thus, I’ve made it my personal mission to expose her to local culture (this includes the language, foods, hang-out spots, etc.) so that hopefully she can pass it along to her friends and they can realize just how much they’re missing. I want to get her away from thinking she feels no connection to Cambodia because I truly believe that it’s a transformative country that anyone would fall in love with.

I’m fortunate to have met AS. She’s introduced me to her expat friends and taken me out to expat bars. Now that I’ve been in Cambodia for nearly two months it feels rather bizarre to be amongst all English speakers. This is a strange phenomenon because I sometimes forget that I am a foreigner myself. However, being put in these situations has reminded me of this fact and has forced me to reflect on and question my intentions for wanting to come work/live in Cambodia. This is why I feel slightly less motivated to communicate with Mith Samlanh- I need more time to think.

Some questions that I have:

• Who will I be working with at Mith Samlanh? Does the staff consist primarily of locals or foreigners?
• Is it bad to only volunteer for a year and then leave for grad school? How does that look to the staff and is it really beneficial for the organization?
• How much time can I devote to learning the language once I’m back in the States?
• Whose job is it to “improve” Cambodia? Locals, foreigners, or a combination of both?
• What is my role as a Cambodian American?

Isolation - On a tangential note, I am really getting annoyed at having to rely on my family members for transportation. It’s really uncomfortable being dependent when I’m so used to being independent back home. I had to turn down a translating/interpreting job because no one is able to transport me. Meeting up with friends is also a hassle because I’ve realized my cousins have really poor time management skills. What makes things worse is that I’m not allowed to travel anywhere by myself because our neighborhood is not safe. I can’t hire a moto or tuk tuk driver because I live in an obscure area that’s difficult to find/navigate through. I’m sorry for complaining (I don’t usually), but it’s really been bothering me and I can’t seem to find a way around it. :(

Home-sickness - Each time I Skype with my mom and brother they ask if I miss them. I say “YES!” but they don’t seem to believe me. I do really miss them and the fact that I extended my stay until August 27^th doesn’t help. I’m staying longer so that I can meet up with a good friend whose coming to teach English in Southeast Asia. I’m looking forward to seeing him, but 3 weeks is a long time to wait!    

It’s also been raining a lot lately. I haven’t been able to make it to Kampong Som aka Sihanoukville (the beach area) yet due to the monsoons and flooding. I had a nice weekend with AK and her family though so I’m thankful for that. We went on a canoe ride in Kien Svay. I thought there were white flowers floating on the lake, but they turned out to be pieces of trash. Just in case the title was confusing!

Comforts of home: Nom Bachok prepared by AK’s family in Kien Svay

Roomies in Cambodia!

I learned how to drive a moto! 4. on the Bucket List: CHECK!

Is it bad to eat Doritos before going to the gym? I haven’t had lunch yet so I need some energy, i.e., carbs to burn while I’m swimming laps. What a dilemma!

Phnom Penh Sports Club where I be gettin’ my swim/sauna/jacuzzi/steam room on! :D

In an earlier blog post I wrote about an organization based in Phnom Penh called Mith Samlanh. They run several programs aimed at nurturing street children and reintegrating them into society. After a series of emails, I finally met up with Leakthina Ollier today (a MS board member) to discuss volunteering with the organization in the near future.

Despite being over 45 minutes late (Um was taking her time at the psaa), Thina and I sat down for a quick run-through of my options. It turns out that Mith Samlanh prefers long term volunteers (6 months or more) and those who have a specialty and/or work experience. Thina asked me several questions about my background and what area I was most interested in. My answer was broad; based on my volunteer and internship experiences during college, I’m most familiar with at-risk youth and education. This didn’t sound “specific” enough, but I think it’s pretty common for someone fresh out of college and Thina seemed to understand. She proceeded to give me the director of Mith Samlanh’s name and phone number for me to contact.

Thina also gave me several references to other NGOs that work with street children in Cambodia. Many of them are based in Phnom Penh which is great because this is where my family is and where I can see myself living and volunteering/working in the future. She also reminded me to be cautious of certain NGOs because there’s rampant corruption i.e., individuals pocketing organization money for personal gain. Thankfully, Mith Samlanh has a long history of doing good work and is THE go-to NGO at the moment.

Along with Thina, I also met Boreth Ly who is a Cambodian professor at UC Santa Cruz (I think my brother has taken a class with him). He has a great sense of humor and was interested in learning more about me and how I was enjoying my stay in Cambodia thus far. It was really nice chatting with such educated, compassionate, and hard working Cambodian individuals and I felt honored to be in their presence. It was like I was getting a glimpse into the lives of expat intellectuals and I couldn’t help but wonder about their experiences in academia and their work in the community. I hope I can be a part of the new wave of movers and shakers who will contribute to a brighter Cambodia in the future.

So right now I’m hopeful and excited to email the director of Mith Samlanh and get the ball rolling on volunteering. Although I most likely won’t be starting until next year (I still have college loans to pay), I think it’s important to at least make contact while I’m in Cambodia. I’ll keep y’all posted!

Every child should feel this loved :)